


Masks

by hwanwoongieisatallman0_0



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, Lee Jeno-centric, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-13
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:20:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23129170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hwanwoongieisatallman0_0/pseuds/hwanwoongieisatallman0_0
Summary: You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it.“Do they love you or the mask you put on everyday?”To Jeno, that didn’t matter anymore. Just as long as the people around him were happy. He didn’t know when he had fallen into the spiral, but he did, and it was so hard to get out again.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Everyone
Comments: 6
Kudos: 107





	1. Chapter 1

Sometimes Jeno would get so  _ tired _ . Yet he couldn’t stop, wouldn’t stop. He didn’t want to slow the group down nor did he want to burden the others, after all, they were just a bunch of young idols trying to survive in this harsh reality. They all had responsibilities, and none of them were ‘help Jeno deal with his problems.’ He was tired, not so much physically, but mentally. 

Of course, he could just go to the hyungs, but he knew they were busy too. With promotions, comebacks and dealing with problems within the group, asking them for help is just another way of adding on to the pressure they had. Jeno looked up to them, being able to deal with idol life yet still be able to not be completely worn out. He admired Mark the most. Balancing so many groups at once must be tiring. Compared to theirs, Jeno’s problem is just a speck of dust. He didn’t need help either from the internet, group members or the management. He was  _ fine,  _ it was all good. Life is fine, but sleep is better. He really wants to sleep, to lay down, to feel himself relax his body, relax his mind. He couldn’t. He couldn’t let them down anymore when they had done so much for him, for the group.

So what did Jeno do in a situation like this? Of course, he can’t back down now.  **_ You see that mask in the corner? You pick it up, pick it up! Now wear it. Walk around, talk to people. Doesn’t it feel so much better? _ ** __ This voice sounded new, yet familiar. He couldn’t see the mask in the corner. Yet he somehow managed to wear it. Taking off his torn up mask, he put it in his hidden drawer. What do you do when you have insecurities? You hide them of course. You put in sweat, effort, and pain, tons and tons of it to be perfect. However nothing is perfect, there will always be flaws. Jeno hated that. 

Jeno spent his free time reading negative comments on his phone. He had accidentally stumbled on them one day, and even though they mess with his self-esteem, he also wanted to make others happy and learning about his flaws allowed him to do that.

He wondered how Mark was able to handle the stress. Thinking about it more made Jeno feel weak as if he wasn’t strong enough. He didn’t understand why Mark would pick him to be the leader of NCT dream, he wasn’t good enough, never would be.  **_ Why did Mark pick you? You’re only letting him down. You will never be as good as him, and you know it.  _ ** _ So what should I do then?  _ **_ You train, train, train until you’re as good, train until your body can’t take it anymore. You put on a smile, you fake a laugh. You hide the pain. Act like yourself, pretend you are fine because you are. You pretend to eat, only to puke it up later.  _ **

Jeno followed the voice and did all that. He continued to fake his happiness. He continued to eat with the others, only to find himself crouching in front of the toilet. He continued to train and train until he felt lightheaded, malnourished and  _ numb.  _ Jeno was so goddamn tired, yet when he tried to stop, he found himself crying, puking all over again. _ He just couldn’t stop. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one had realized within the span of a few months how much Jeno was hurting.

Dreamies Pov.

It was during practice when the signs began to show. Of course within the course of 5 months there were signs, but they decided to ignore them. The Dreamies thought that Jeno was having a hard time, probably with new responsibilities of being the leader. They reassured Jeno that he was doing fine, they were perfectly happy with what Jeno was doing. They thought, or more like  _ hoped _ , it was a hard time, but they had their suspicions. Jeno leaving earlier when they were eating then hearing the toilet flush a few minutes after, him wearing thicker layers, complaining about being cold while it was summer and the emotionless look he has on his face sometimes when he zones out.

“Hey Jeno, are you okay? You seem to be a little out of it.” Renjun asks, his voice laced with concern.

“I’m fine, just a little tired, didn’t sleep much last night.”

They didn’t manage to catch on to the lies Jeno said. They didn’t manage to see the emotions behind Jeno’s brown eyes. If they had taken a closer look, they might have been able to see what happened during the long 5 months. They might have been able to hear the heavy panting coming from Jeno when they practiced. They might have been able to notice the bags under his eyes. They might have been able to smell the faint scent of vomit on Jeno when he came out of the bathroom after they ate. They might have been to feel the bones when they made contact with Jeno. They might have been able to hear when he shivers, see him wrapping himself in layers upon layers of blankets even when it was warm. However, Jeno was cautious. He didn’t know how, but the lies he told came out of his mouth, smooth and believable enough that no one was able to see behind his smile and his laughs. None of them knew when and how Jeno got so good at lying. Maybe that’s why Jeno’s cries for help were not heard, buried underneath all the lies, even when it was screaming at them.

The Dreamies might have been able to hear the faint sniffles in the dark coming from Jeno, see the sadness in his eyes as if they wanted someone to hug Jeno, and tell him “ _ It was okay. You are going to get through this, and I will be right by your side.”  _ Yet no one noticed. No one heard, no one saw, no one smelled it. It was a huge a balloon waiting for the day where it would go ‘Pop!’ and it would all flow out. Every day the mask Jeno wore got torn more by himself, and before Jeno knew it, he had to get a new one. The more and more Jeno wore his mask, the more and more people loved the person wearing the mask, the lovable, funny and kind Jeno, not the bulimic, depressed kid behind it.

They all ignored the signs, thinking that Jeno didn’t have an eating disorder. Jeno was probably sick, a little bit stressed, but not bulimic or anorexic. Definitely wasn’t. If Jeno was, he probably would be lightheaded after practice, skinny to the point where you could see his bones and faking smiles and laughs. The Jeno they know wasn’t like that. The Jeno they knew smiled and laughed, practiced a lot. Was there for the members during hard times.  **Yet no one was there for him.(or so he thought.)**


	3. Chapter 3

Jeno thought it was fine. He was fat after all, and it would help the group. Even when Jeno was able to see more bones, he continued. 

There were many close calls, when Jeno thought the others had found out. One time when Jeno has locked himself in the bathroom, leaning over the toilet coughing, then hearing a quiet “h-hyung?” From the doorway. Jisung was standing there looking at the horrendous scene before him. With widened eyes and a scared expression on his face and tears streaming out of his eyes, Jeno almost wanted to tell him the truth. When Jisung had asked what Jeno had been doing there, he played it off by saying he was sick and needed to vomit instead. If Jisung had paid better attention, he may have been able to see the blood mixed with the vomit, blood that came from Jeno’s burning throat.

He knew he had to be more careful because he didn’t want to hurt the people around him. The look on Jisung’s face when he had seen Jeno gave an idea of what the others would react like. He would never show them. He has lost control and doesn’t know how to stop anymore. Yet he loved the sensation of when his stomach was empty and the results he saw. 

It was practice and Jeno could feel light-headed while practicing Boom. He could see black spots clouding his vision. He stumbled and tripped over his own feet. He was losing his balance and felt a headache. 

“Hey Jeno you ok? You seem a little off.” Haechan asks with a genuinely concerned look on his face.

“Yeah I’m fine. Just a little tired from staying up later yesterday.”

“I think you should take a break Jeno. You look tired. Here I bought a bottle of water and a granola bar.”

“Thanks Jaemin. But I’m telling you I’m fine. I don’t need the granola bar.”

“No Jeno take it. It’ll be good for your health.”

Jeno could feel his heart beating, the world spinning around him. Of course he didn’t want to take the snack, it would make him unappealing in their eyes. But then again, he didn’t want to be a disappointment and hurt Jaemin’s feelings. The 5 pairs of eyes that were staring at him made the situation even more nerve wracking. 

**_Your so stupid. They’re trying to make you fat, can’t you see that? Decline the offer._ **

But no, Jeno couldn’t do that. He would be hurting with Jaemin’s feelings, and he didn’t want that.

**_So you want to take that granola bar and go back to square one? I feel sorry for the people around you._ **

Jeno desperately wanted to _cry_ , but he knew how pathetic he would seem. So, he excused himself to sort out his mind alone.

“I need to go to the washroom.”

Before any questions could be asked, Jeno walked out of the room and went into the washroom. When he found out it was empty, Jeno’s tears came rushing down before he could even stop them. 

**_Look at yourself. Look at how pathetic you seem, lying on the bathroom floor, crying. Get yourself together. You’re an idol for god’s sake. The others will be worried. Do you want them to be worried about a mistake like you?_ **

Jeno listened to the voice. Even if it was the same voice that told him that he should starve. He still listened to it, even if it was the same voice that got him into this spiral, that had him puking his food out for the first time and every time after on. He wiped off the tears on his face.

However, before he could even take another step towards the bathroom door, a familiar voice cut in. 

“Jeno?” 

He knew he messed up, and that within no time his secret would be out.


	4. Witness

Taeyong wanted to be a good leader. He wanted the others to feel like they were able to reach out to him when they had any worries, issues, and such. So, when he finds Jeno balling his eyes out on the white concrete floor of the bathroom, his first thought is, “Is he okay?”. Jeno would have been the last person that Taeyong would imagine to be in this state. “Jeno?”, he had asked, concern laced in his voice. When Jeno turned to look at him, Taeyong had a good chance to take a look at his face. 

Jeno had puffy, red, bloodshot eyes, that were wide as if he never wanted this to happen, his skin was pale. Taeyong took notice of how tired Jeno looked as if he hadn’t slept in days. As Taeyong’s eyes skimmed further, he saw Jeno’s revealed collarbones through the hoodie. It was all that Jeno wore nowadays, even though it was summer and Taeyong could only guess that Jeno was sweating buckets in there.

“Hey, Jeno wait-” 

Taeyong shouted after Jeno as he scurried out of the bathroom. Taeyong knew he needed to make a mental note to himself to have a conversation with Jeno later. “ _ Or I could wait for him to come to me and talk about it. _ ” Taeyong didn’t want to make any of his group members feel uncomfortable with him, and pushing them to talk about personal problems to him would most probably make them uncomfortable around him.

“..I’ll just wait for Jeno to open up to me about it..” Taeeyong muttered to himself as he got out of the bathroom, and headed to their dorms.

  
_ Yet somehow, waiting for Jeno to talk to him….just didn’t, well, _ **_feel right_ ** .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sidoajog. Sorry for the late update and for the short chapter this time.


	5. Lost

_ “Jeno?” _

That memory kept flooding into Jeno’s head, as if it was carved into his bones. Like a soundtrack on repeat, one that is never ending. The moment he had left the bathroom, he ran as fast as he could. His legs felt like jello, and his brain was mush. He had no idea where he was going, and sooner or later he ended up in a part of the city he didn’t know.

**_How disappointing and irresponsible of you to leave your members. You're just a coward, running away from your problems. How weak._ **

The ‘voice’ was right. He was a coward, wasn’t he? Running away from his problems, not facing them. Jeno always wanted to seem reliable and strong towards the members, as a leader he knew how much it would affect them if he showed any weaknesses. 

He felt bad, for leaving his members in the dust, without a trace of where he had gone. The situation must’ve felt confusing to them, and suddenly it felt as if there was more weight on Jeno’s chest than before.

His heart was aching, as if it was broken pieces held together by one old bandage. 

**_How weak, you’re a grown ass man and yet your crying your eyes out over some stupid action that you did. Pick yourself up._ **

Jeno didn’t realize he was crying until he felt a wet spot on his hoodie. “ _ Great. This is just what I needed. _ ” Jeno scowled, wiping his face over and over again with his sleeves, desperately trying to stop the tears from falling.

He hated being weak, and this was definitely not helping. His heart was pounding, as if it was going to burst out of his chest. He choked on his tears, unable to control his breath. Jeno hated being unable to control himself, it was the one thing that kept him grounded. 

Being streets away from the SM building where his members probably were, Jeno felt miserable and lost, desperately wanting to have someone to have his back at a time like this.

**_They’ll only see you as annoying if you do that. Deal with it on your own._ **

Jeno didn’t like to be seen as annoying, and so he trusted the ‘voice’ once again. 

When Jeno finally calmed down, he finally got a chance to actually take a good look at his surroundings. City lights shined onto the streets, the empty shops getting ready to close down. It was a weird sight, knowing that normally these streets and shops would be bustling with people. Sure, it was lonely, but it also was quiet and calm. Jeno found it fascinating, to see this part of the city not filled with people. After wandering in the street and calming down for a few minutes, Jeno realized that he should be heading home by then or else his group members would get really worried.

Jeno put his hands in his pockets, searching around for his phone to contact and reassure his group members. “Frick.” Jeno realized that he had forgotten his phone in his bag, and that he was lost.


End file.
